Recognizing Burnout: Watch Out for Your Warning Signs.

When I hit my wall, I realized there were many early warning signs that my stress level was too high, long before I finally realized or admitted to myself that I had burned out.

The problem is that sometimes as parents, and especially as single parents, we are constantly on the go and busy. We are employees, parents, teachers, chauffeurs, and more. We juggle our kids schedules, our work schedules, our household duties, and just the ordinary activities of daily life.

But this is not unique to anybody - all of us are busy in today's world. So how do we get burned out? The most basic explanation is that it is when demands exceed capabilities. Now, that's not so say you're not a capable person, but your capacity to deal with the overload of circumstances has diminished beyond your ability to recover from them properly.

Put it like this - have you ever worked out hard and felt the lactic acid burn of your muscles? You try to squeeze out one or two more reps, but each time it gets more difficult and painful. You take a quick pause to see if you can get one or two final reps in, and quickly realize that even though you took a short break, when you tried to resume your activity you felt weaker than if you hadn't taken the break. That's exactly what mental burnout is like. No amount of rest fully recuperates you. In fact, sometimes even if you take a day, or even a week, off work, you notice when you get back to work you quickly become exhausted again only after a day or two of working. Your capacity to deal the the amount of stress has been diminished by prolonged and repeated exposure to constant stresses.

When I noticed I was getting burned out from work, it was a very fast snowball effect. At my workplace, I was doing the work of 2-7 employees on any given day. I was responsible for hundreds of clients at any given time, and was responsible for responding to all of their queries and issues within a 2-3 day time frame - and that was in addition to whatever fires or emergencies popped up on a daily basis. On top of that, I was also involved in other special corporate projects that by themselves were not time consuming, but when you add them on top of an already maximized workload, the trivial projects became another burden to carry. That was just the workflow and volume, but on top of that you have the added corporate pressures of budget demands, monthly auditing requirements, as well as monthly changes to work procedures and training requirements. Even the corporate environment, shall we say, had an atmosphere of stress, pessimism, and negativity that permeated the office culture. In my mind I equated it to a constantly evolving combat situation, to which there was no reprieve in sight. But that is today's work world, there is nothing people can do to change that in some circumstances. But, the effects it had carried over into other environments. That is what bothered me the most.

When I arrived home from work, I noticed my head feeling heavy and I had difficulty concentrating too hard for too long. I was getting more frequent headaches and tension in my neck, back and upper shoulders. I was also feeling very exhausted, as if I had just finished running a marathon each day, even though I spent almost 8 hours sitting in a chair. As a single parent, I prioritize my attention to my child when I am at home, and even though my child's attention and interaction didn't suffer, I felt the added stress of this on top of an already exhausted system.

I realize the importance of eating properly, sleeping, and getting exercise to maintain good mental health and to help manage stress. I was doing all of these things, as I had been for years. However, what was interesting was that I felt sleepier than usual, and had difficulty waking up even after setting two alarm clocks. This continued on for months, to the point I thought I might have an underlying medical condition. Even after I exercised, my body took 2-3 times longer to recover than it had in the past. For me, exercise has always been an enjoyable activity, something I looked forward to, and part of my daily routine. Now, I felt less enthusiastic about working out because I knew the tiredness it would cause me and even the effort of getting ready to go to the gym seemed like too much work. I was losing interest in activities that once brought me pleasure and were enjoyable. Even though my diet didn't change, I felt more and more cravings for sweet foods. And even after I ate, I just wanted to sit down or rest for a while. This was behaviour not typical of me, as I often quickly chowed down on my meals and moved on to the next activity, which at night time was usually a walk with my dog. I felt less desire to do this, and again, it seemed like more work to do. In reality, everything outside of lying down just seemed like work. I was that exhausted all the time.

I also noticed myself getting sicker more often with seasonal colds than usual. This time around, it felt like I was getting a new cold each week. On top of that, I noticed changes in my digestion and was getting more frequent gastrointestinal discomfort. At first, I just equated it to having a bug, but it did not end when I no longer felt sick. In fact, it carried on for months, and grew worse over time. Ironically, I noticed it occurred more frequently at work than at home. Interestingly too, I didn't get headaches or muscle stiffness at home as often than I did when I was at work. To me, it seemed as if there was a clear correlation. My body was clearly trying to tell me something. In fact, near the end I noticed extremely unusual behaviour for me. I remember one day I had almost a mini panic attack out of no where, and it only occurred when I pulled my car into my usual parking space. The anxiety wasn't present before that time, it only came once I arrived in my parking space at work.

I think another red warning flag for me was that I hit my "fuck it" point at work. I stopped caring about consequences of not doing things correctly, I stopped caring about my workload and responsibilities. At one point, I even stopped caring if I would get fired. I even noticed myself become a bit more callous and bitter in my interactions with others - both with colleagues and clients. I was always known as the happy and calm employee. This was a clear indication something was wrong - my work personality was changing.

All of these changes occurred in small increments over time so that it did not seem like I was burning out, and I failed to recognize the warning signs as they appeared. But looking back, it was easy to see the snowball cascade effect that was occurring. However, it really wasn't until I was making very clear mistakes at home that I would not usually make that I had to take a step back, pause, and think about what was happening collectively. I caught myself on a couple of occasions attempting to put things in the improper place - like my toaster in the refrigerator, or my coffee cup in the top of my Keurig, and the coffee pod at the bottom, in reverse order. These were clearly things that I wouldn't do under normal conditions, even with the normal stressful conditions of regular life as a single parent. There was also no medical explanation like early onset dementia. I also had numerous occasions where I would walk into a room at home and forget why I walked in there - forgot what I was in there for, what I needed, etc. Again, not explainable by medical conditions.

I realize the warning symptoms of burnout will be unique to individuals. But I had to see a host of constellation symptoms in myself before I put all the pieces together to realize I was truly burned out. I think the important thing is that I eventually did recognize it and was able to take steps to mitigate it, rather than just continue to soldier on like everything was fine. I don't think admitting to yourself that you're burned out is a sign of weakness. It's being real with yourself, so you can fix the situation.

I think being a single dad also carries the extra burden that men are supposed to be strong, stoic, and just soldier on no matter what. And yes, while that maybe true, you also have to think logically about the situation. If you are burned out, it will eventually impact your ability to parent your child. It will have collateral damage in other areas of your life - just like for me, it was reduced enjoyment and motivation to engage in previously fun and beneficial activities. There is also a darker side of burn out that you have to recognize. If you suffer a severe mental health issue, like a mental breakdown due to stress, it will have a financial toll on yourself and your family. You face reduced wages while you are off on sick leave, and it can permanently impact your earning potential long term. To me those are non-negotiable outcomes. I would not put myself, or my child, at risk of a financial consequence of burnout.

So what is the solution? I know if you speak to HR at work they will say the usual rhetoric like eat properly, get proper sleep, exercise more, or talk to a counsellor. But what happens when you already were doing that and you are still burning out? Sometimes you have to take a look at the bigger picture. If you continue to drink from a well that makes you sick, you cannot expect to ever fully recover. While not working is not an option for the vast majority of us in the lower and middle classes, especially within single earner households, maybe it would be time to examine the well - the where you work. An option you could consider is applying to a different job within the same company, especially if your company is large and has many departments. Sometimes a change of scenery and a change of job type is all that you need to get back on track. However, sometimes you have to stop drinking out of the well entirely. Especially in the case of ill managed corporations or departments, or toxic work environments, to save your mental health you have no alternative but to look for employment at a new place altogether.

I think the important piece to recognize is that you can identify the warning signs of burnout in yourself, and begin to take the appropriate steps to mitigate them before it's too late and you face a mental breakdown. Even if it means changing employers, at the end of the day you always have to lookout for yourself, and your family, and do what's in your best interest. Sometimes you also have to realize that most employers will not care about you as much as you care about yourself and your family. Nobody will ever have "best employee" engraved on their tombstone. Being an effective parent, and single dad, means always doing what is best for you and your family. You don't owe anybody, or any business, anything. You signed a contract to provide a service for a fee. If the workplace is making you sick, you have to evaluate if the contract and fee is worth the consequences. You only get one brain and one body. You have to protect your health and sanity at all costs. Not only you depend on it, but so does your family.

If you are feeling burned out and what to talk more about it, or discuss your options to start feeling like you again, I'd be happy to help - from one person who's been there to another.